The Words IM and Cullen Don't Mix
by HaruhixKyon
Summary: RATED M FOR A REASON //the pervy minds of seventh grade girls, for example// But not for lemon, just implications/language. This takes place a few years after BD, when the Cullens suddenly discover....INSTANT MESSAGING Half companion to my other IM story.


**AN: Hey peoples of the world!! We're back! -listens to screams of terror in the distance- I get the feeling they don't want us here..**

**Insane Friend: No they just love us so much they're screaming... for joy of course right? -holds gun up to stranger and asks again-**

**HaruhixKyon: Erm...right? Am I the only one to use proper grammer? Oh, hey, why aren't we talking aloud? You're right next to me...in real life...**

**Disclaimer: We own Edward! And the world! And one day, WE SHALL OWN ALL OF YOUR PUDDING! (unless its tapioka) (we'll check the spelling later)**

**Okay, fine, we own nothing...not even this computer...**

**Insane Friend: Wha??**

**HaruhixKyon: Okie dokie artichokie! Lets get started! XD**

**Insane Friend (last comment) : First off I am the same insane friend! And secondly START THE DANG THING ALREADY!!!!!!**

_FREAKSOFTHEVAMPIREWORLD (NETWORK GROUP) HAS LOGGED ON._

_RunsNakedWithWerewolves has logged on._

RunsNakedWithWerewolves **((JAKE)) **: I feel surrounded....

GodLikeOne **((Edward)) **: You should, but I thought you would want Bella and Nessie to be by you *glares*.

ClumsyKlutz **((Bella)) **: Hey, Jake, ARE WE BFFS?!?!?!

RunsNakedWithWerewolves: Erm...sure, Bells?

ShoppingIsInYourFuture **((Alice)) **: _**OMG Jake, if you're her BFF, your my BFF!! -squeals- We can go to the mall and get our nails done and get new clothes for you and get spa treatments and make you a total hottie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

SaladBowlCrusher **((Rosalie)) **: That will be very hard he is a freaking dog!! Not even a cute adorable edible dog but a big ugly wolf!!!

PuppyLuv **((Nessie)) **: HEY! DON'T CALL MY JAKEY-KINS BAD NAMES ROSALIE!! MOMMY, AUNTY ROSE SAID A BAD WORD!!

MonkeyMan **((Emmett)) **: Don't throw my love under the bus. My love my hottie my woman my wife my eternal soul mate my...

SaladBowlCrusher: I'm busy tonight Emmett.

MonkeyMan: Your cheating on me, aren't you!!!!!

SaladBowlCrusher: -sighs-

PuppyLuv: Well, you know she could kinda get any guy she wants...and that wasn't an answer, technically....

SaladBowlCrusher: How could I get any guy I want?

PuppyLuv: Well, I can't really explain that properly, Rose...so let's ask Emmett!

MonkeyMan: You're great in bed, you have a HUGE--

PuppyLuv: OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!!!

OneLookingInPain **((Jasper)) **: A huge what?????

ClumsyKlutz: -is strangling Emmett at the moment- He's not going to be answering anytime soon...

PuppyLuv: Vampires don't need to breath, Mom....

MonkeyMan: I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THIS IS SSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!

SaladBowlCrusher: A huge what? Its my huge something, and I would like to know!!!!!

GodLikeOne: STOP relating to Harry Potter quotes and just answer her question before you drive me insane!!!!

ClumsyKlutz: As a 7th grader I was a 32B!!! I just thought I should share that with you!!

PuppyLuv: At five years old, I'm a 32C!!!!!

SaladBowlCrusher: -starts to strangle Edward out of randomness and hatered-

GodLikeOne: WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!! Bella, if you were that big then what are you now?!?! Emmett tell Rose what is huge on her before she continues to strangle me!

MonkeyMan: Your boobies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ClumsyClutz: Oh sweetie a 32D!!!!!

SaladBowlCrusher: Did you really say that Emmett????!!!!! Jake do I have big, as Emmett says, boobies?

MonkeyMan: -is unashamed- Yup. I think I need to be punished...

RunsNakedWithWerewolves: Erm...I feel that a certain someone would be beating me up if I actually answered that....

ClumsyKlutz: You say that like you're pure and innocent or something...just get it over with...

PuppyLuv: -is glaring at Jake- Well, why don't you answer the question Jakey-kins?

RunsNakedWithWerewolves: Um...-blushed ever so slightly- They're...erm...fairly....um...large?

_PuppyLuv has logged off to go beat up RunsNakedWithWerewolves_

_RunsNakedWithWerewolves has dragged his computer to a new location...erm, in his closet...with a lock..._

MonkeyMan: What are you Jake, gay???? Answer like a man!!!!

RunsNakedWithWerewolves: No, I have innocently imprinted, and I would really feel uncomfortable with doing so...

ClumsyKlutz: Okay, who typed that?!?! You can't even spell 'innocently'

_RunsNakedWithWerewolves has logged off_

_PuppyLuv has joined the chat from the same location_

PuppyLuv: Darn you full vampires and you're intellect....Oh, yeah, Jake's kinda....tied up in work and...stuff ( -grumbles- Rope... ), so he'll be back in awhile. ( -cough cough- NNNNEEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEERRRRRR!!!! )

MonkeyMan: He is definetaly gay!!! I mean they're HUGE!!!!

SaladBowlCrusher: Gee... thanks.

GodLikeOne: Did you get plastic surgery? They are pretty large.

ClumsyKlutz: EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PuppyLuv: He's not gay...

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: Yeah, _you_ would know, right, Nessie?

ClumsyKlutz: She's pure as holy water, _right oh-dearest-daughter-of-mine?!?!_

PuppyLuv: Well...erm...-blushes-

GodLikeOne: I'm just saying they are disporportionatally large compared to your small body.......

SaladBowlCrusher: Um.... that is kinda awkward.

_ClumsyKlutz has logged off to go murder her husband_

_GodLikeOne has just screamed bloody murder quite litterally_

GodLikeOne: BBBLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYY MMMMMMMMMMMUUUUUUUURRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SaladBowlCrusher: -looks down- They aren't that big....

MonkeyMan: God, punish me Rose!!!!

DoctorFang **(Carlisle) **: Erm...I really, really, really, really DON'T want to hear this kind of stuff...

_ClumsyKlutz has logged on_

ClumsyKlutz: Your punishment was quite enjoyable to me.

MonkeyMan: You raped Edward didn't you?

SaladBowlCrusher: -puts on mini skirt and bra only, goes to Mike and presses chest against him- Wow I CAN have any guy I want!!!!

ClumsyKlutz: It wasn't a rape technically he consented about an hour through it.

GodLikeOne: I feel so loved!!! And disturbed!!!!

ClumsyKlutz: I bet you do.

MonkeyMan: -goes to beat up Mike-

SaladBowlCrusher: Wait Emmett can't you take your anger out another way then beating up Mike?

MonkeyMan: Nice Rose. You'll sexually abuse Mike but not me. Let me think about that taking my anger out another way thing.

PuppyLuv: Does that mean your going to sexually abuse Mike?

SaladBowlCrusher: No honey I kinda already did so he can't.

PuppyLuv: But I thought he was gay!

ClumsyKlutz: Sweetie how do you know what gay means?

SaladBowlCrusher: I know for a fact he is not gay.

MonkeyMan: Yeah, and besides Jake's the gay one.

PuppyLuv: Don't be beatin on Jake! -acts gangster-

_RunsNakedWithWerewolves has logged on_

RunsNakedWithWerewolves: I'm not gay. -little teary eyed face-

PuppyLuv: We know you're not gay. You just like men in uniform.

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: No that's Jasper, but he's not gay...He must be bi.

OneLookingInPain: Love you too, Alice.

_THEstud has logged on_

THEstud **(Mike) **: Hey Rose you busy tonight? -is thinking of that thing that Rose did- -sighs happily-

SaladBowlCrusher: Yeah, Emmett wants to do something...

MonkeyMan: I thought of a list!!!! The top 20 things I love about Rosalie

1) Her hair is soft.

2) Her voice is pretty.

3) She's good in bed.

4) She has boobies.

5) She has big boobies.

6) She has soft boobies.

7) She has perky boobies.

8) She is hot.

9) She has a nice butt.

10) She has fun-to-play-with boobies.

SaladBowlCrusher: As um...charming as that was, why don't you just stop there?

THEstud: Wow!!! Most of that is on my list of top 20! Number 4-10 is on mine! I would have number 3 but I wouldn't know!!!

_THEstud has logged to avoid learning the secret_

GodLikeOne: Let's get off this topic no matter how correct number 4, 5, 6, and 7 are. That was the greatest pain ever! Having to admit that Rosalie looks nice at the top but, I like Bella better.

MonkeyMan: Which part?

GodLikeOne: All of her!!

ClumsyKlutz: Awwww!!

GodLikeOne: ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!! ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!! ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!! ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!! ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!! ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!! ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!! ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!! ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!! ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!! ROSALIE HAS BIG BOOBIES!!!

_ClumsyKlutz has logged off in anger_

GodLikeOne: -chuckles- -wanted to be tortured again- Mission acomplished, see you on the other side. BEAM ME UP, SCOTTIE!! -presses log off button-

_GodLikeOne has logge_d _off with a happy dance and a smile of satisfaction._

MonkeyMan: EVERYONE, I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE!!! BY DAY, I AM YOUR REGULAR, AVERAGE VAMPIRE, BUT BY NIGHT, I AM AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE TEEN POP SENSATION....HHAAAANNNNNNAAAAAAHHHHH MMMMMMMMOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTAAAAAAANNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: IF HE GETS TO BE HANNAH MONTANA, THEN I'M MILEY CYRUS!!

OneLookingInPain: OH, YEAH?!?!?! WELL I'M MILEY STEWART!!!!!

DoctorFang: WELL THEN, I'M A MERMAID!!!!!!!!

SaladBowlCrusher: OK THEN... I'M A FAIRY PRINCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MonkeyMan: HEY YOU'RE HIGHNESS, WANNA MEET ME AFTER MY CONCERT?!?!?!

SaladBowlCrusher: Um....no, I kind of already have plans with a person named Emmett, do you happen to know him, Miss Hannah?

MonkeyMan: -country accent- Well, erm...I do know him!!! He's smart, and hot, and funny,and nice, and sweet, and caring, and charitable, and...WONDERFUL IN BED!!!

SaladBowlCrusher:He's also a pervert. But I love him because, he finally got the topic off my breasts!!!!!!!!!

MonkeyMan: Oh, yeah, that reminds me...YOU HAVE BIG BOOBIES!!!

SaladBowlCrusher: Um, am I the only one disturbed by the fact that Hannah Montana just said that.

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: I'm actually not that surprised...

MonkeyMan: DID SHE JUST SAY DISTURBED?!?! BUM BUM DEE DUM BUM BUM DE DUM DUM!!!

SaladBowlCrusher: WOW!! Hannah Montana does steal songs!!!! Hannah Montana did you really just say a fellow girl has big um... 'boobies'?

MonkeyMan: Yes, yes I did.

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: I repeat, I am not surprised...

SaladBowlCrusher: Well, maybe I'll dump Emmett for you!!!!

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: OH!!! BURN!!!

OneLookingInPain: So that's what she meant by "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"...

SaladBowlCrusher: SHUT UP JASPER!!!!!! So Hannah Montana should I dump Emmett for you?

MonkeyMan: Eh, no. I don't like girls with big boobs. HI RENESME, I'M HANNAH!!! :D

SaladBowlCrusher: Then why did you sound so happy when you said that thing?

MonkeyMan: Because by night, I'm America's number one teen pop sensation, BUT BY DAY....I'M EMMETT CULLEN!! -no fangirl squeals can be heard- -crickets-

SaladBowlCrusher: Does that mean Emmett is cheating on me???? Can I cheat on him now???

MonkeyMan: No.

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: Wow, a one word, not perverted answer. Miley Cyrus is proud!!!

SaladBowlCrusher: "No, I can't" or "no, he isn't"? Bella and Edward aren't back!!!!

_GodLikeOne has logged on_

GodLikeOne: By day, I'm Edward Cullen. But by night...I'M EDWARD CULLEN!!!! -fangirl squeals can be heard EVERYWHERE-

SaladBowlCrusher: By day I'm Rosalie Hale but by night I'm... ROSALIE HALE -fanboy squeals heard all over the world and a little on Mars-

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: What does a fanboy squeal sound like, anyways?

GodLikeOne: At night if you go to Emmett and Rosalies' room and hear Emmett scream that's what it sounds like.

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: I have no desire to do so...

SaladBowlCrusher: I just noticed the only people that didn't say anything about an area on my body is the girls and Carlisle.

DoctorFang: I am a happily married man, Rose. And I can remove all your internal organs if you make any comments about that, SO HA!!

GodLikeOne: So mature....

MonkeyMan: So your gay?

OneLookingInPain: He probably is, even Edward said they were big, and he meant it!

DoctorFang: You know, I can remove Rose's endowment just for that comment. AND I CAN REMOVE OUR INTERNET CONNECTION!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! You can take everything Rose has, JUST DON'T MAKE THE INTERNET SUFFER!!!

OneLookingInPain: Just say they're big!!!! What would you do with them put them in a jar or box or your mantel?

MonkeyMan: If not can I have them?!?!

DoctorFang: They. Are. Big. And yes, you can, Emmett.

SaladBowlCrusher: I'm right here!!! Carlisle do you mean that?

DoctorFang: Well, what are you Rose, an E? And also, yes Rose. I did mean that.

_EsmeLovesPie has logged on_

EsmeLovesPie: So what'cha kids talking 'bout? -innocent voice-

_DoctorFang has logged off_

_EsmeLovesPie has logged off to go commit murder_

SaladBowlCrusher: -little voice- No, I'm a 32F. Emmett why do you want them?

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: Grow a brain for like, five seconds, would you please?!

SaladBowlCrusher: THEN YOU TELL ME!!!!!

ShoppingIsInYourFuture: Heck no. I'm straight.

_ShoppingIsInYourFuture has logged off quite promptly._

MonkeyMan: I want to grope them and look at them and drink them....

SaladBowlCrusher: Wait, did you just say drink?!?! PERV!!!!

GodLikeOne: Did someone say something about blood?

MonkeyMan: Kinda...........

SaladBowlCrusher: Do you guys always talk about my BREASTS? NOT BOOBIES!!!!!

PuppyLuv: Can we log off before this gets out of hand...?

_PuppyLuv has logged off_

_DoctorFang has logged in_

_RunsNakedWithWerewolves has logged off_

_EVERYONE EXCEPT SALADBOWLCRUSHER DOCTORFANG AND MONKEYMAN LOG OFF_

SaladBowlCrusher: Hey Carlisle, can you make them smaller?-is acting-

DoctorFang: Okay!! Let me go get my knife!!! -is acting-

MonkeyMan: -dosn't know they are acting- NOOOOO!!! Rose I like you 32F boobies!!! Don't make them smaller make them bigger!!!!

_DoctorFang has logged off_

_SaladBowlCrusher has logged off_

MonkeyMan: I hope they at least give them to me.

_MonkeyMan has logged off_


End file.
